Dreaming death slowly

I dream a lot. I don’t have “good” dreams. So, I don’t sleep a lot. This is my penance. I accept it. We’ve tried to regulate with psycho drugs. I’ve tried to control it with MJ. MJ works but who can afford the legal stuff which is marked up to at least twice the street price? The psycho drugs just make me, well, psycho. More often than not I don’t take them. I hate what they do to me.
So, when I sleep un-drugged, I dream. It’s usually the same dream with minor variations but always with the same result. I am visiting Santi at the Wall. We are just talking, him on one side of the Wall’s surface and me on the other. I am asking him about Prince when they come. Prince is leading nine children who have been ravaged by war. My nine. They don’t speak. They just point. When I say “I didn’t mean it. I couldn’t stop him”, Prince bares his teeth…at me.
Then I wake either shaking, crying, screaming or paralyzed.
I don’t sleep much. If not for the two Prince found alive, I don’t think I could do this every fucking night.
If I could redo one decision, I often think it would be to have shot that crazy ARVN LT and save those kids. I may have been killed myself. I may have been jailed, but maybe I could sleep, or dead, I wouldn’t care.
Then I think, well there’d be no “us” if you did, no marriage to my savior, no kids, no grandkids.
So, I don’t sleep much. I’m afraid I’ll slowly dream myself to death before I’ve had a chance to love these kids enough. ..

2 thoughts on “Dreaming death slowly

  1. God loves you for even just caring about all of them Mike.

    Thank him for the two kids he let you save… and the nine he continues let you still care about. They live, even if only in your living memory. That’s the best anyone can hope for… being remembered.

    It’s a blessing, not a curse. Ask your pal Santi in your dreams about it, he’ll tell you one of these nights that I’m right. You just need to ask, then be ready to listen to what he says to you. He will tell it to you when you’re ready to hear.



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